Cheese, please!

Like for many women around the world, Christmas is usually a stressful time for me. What is it with this persistent search for perfection? I am not an A type organised homemaker by any means but as soon as Christmas comes around, my nurturing instincts go into overdrive. I become momentarily convinced that orchestrating a perfectly varied menu means a memorable time will be had by all. The truth is, having a good time means actually being relaxed enough to enjoy the occasion.

To make matters worse, my birthday takes place just two days before the big day. As if that isn’t bad enough, by some wicked twist of fate, my whole family celebrate their birthdays over the festive season. With my mother the May baby being the exception, the mayhem begins with my father at the end of November, my brother on 15 December, me on the 23^rd, flanked by my sister the poor thing on the 24^th followed by my aunt on 30 December. What feels like the shortest straw is my stepmom’s on the 1^st of January (ah, all those bleary-eyed birthday mornings) and the cherry on the proverbial cake is actually my partner on the 4^th of January. Guess who never, ever gets a cake on his birthday!

In this crazy family of Capricorns it’s almost impossible to keep everyone happy. Luckily some of us are less demanding than others. It took me until my late 20s to relax and stop expecting picnics with smoked salmon and trips up Table Mountain via the cable car (which to this day hasn’t happened yet, woe is me). Nowadays I am content with tea and cake in the nearest and nicest coffee shop. But I will always dress up in my best frock, of course.

A few years ago however, my stepmom tried to do right by one and all. My sister wanted a chocolate mousse cake for her birthday, and I had baked a lemon madeira the day before. Then, on Christmas day we had sherry trifle with preserved ginger, as we usually do. We enjoyed our lovely lunch of glazed gammon and salads but when it was time for dessert we just couldn’t. The sight of all the leftover birthday cakes in a row, with the trifle just begging for attention, was a sight I will never forget. Even for the excesses of Christmas, you really CAN have too much of a good thing.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my reigning kitchen goddess, the food writer Elizabeth David had the same problem. Their madness started on 9 December with her younger sister and ended on the 27^th with the elder sister. And just like me: “When we grew up that elder sister married a man who was born on the 28^th. Later my younger sister’s only daughter chose to appear on the 19^th. For us as children, then Christmas meant a period of present-giving, birthday cakes, candles and crackers prolonged to the point of satiety and beyond.” I know the feeling.

Ever pragmatic, she continues: “Well I know that any woman who has to provide for a lot of children or a big family has no alternative. We are so many fathoms deep in custom and tradition and sentiment over Christmas; we have got so far, with our obsessive present buying and frenzied cooking, from the spirit of a simple Christian festival that only the most determined of Scrooges can actually turn their faces to the wall and ignore the whole thing when the time comes.”

This year I read this and thought: “Oh! If only I could turn my face to the wall!” But try as I might, the infernal spirit of Christmas always wins out. Despite not having a big family lunch this year, the next thing I know I am complaining that there aren’t enough mince pies and (slightly resentfully) singing Christmas carols under my breath.

Yet despite it all, my favourite Christmas tradition of all is a generous platter of cheese, crackers and local preserves. I am at my most content lying on my back with a crispy biscuit in the one hand, onto which blue cheese has been crumbled, topped with a slice of jewel-like preserved green fig. This pungent/sweet combination encapsulates all that is marvellous about a South African Christmas.

CHEESE PLATTER with ROASTED ALMONDS and ROSEMARY CROSTINI

Have some fun combining cheeses and preserves. I usually go for a combination of local and imported cheeses. Remember to serve the cheeses at room temperature and, if you want to be snobby about it, sample the soft cheeses and progress to the blue cheese so your palate stays enlivened. Line a large platter with overlapping vine leaves and arrange the cheeses, savoury biscuits and crostini on top, scattered with the roasted almonds and fresh grapes. Serve the preserves separately in small bowls.

These are the combinations I like:

Goat’s cheese & chilli ginger jam

Blue cheese & whole green fig preserve

Parmiggiano-Reggiano & fresh green grapes

Pont l’eveque & sliced quince jam

Mature cheddar & sliced green apple

Red Leicester & hanepoot raisins on the stem

Boerenkaas with cumin & beetroot jam

Brie & olive marmalade

Fresh ricotta & pomegarante rubies

Wensleydale & preserved whole orange or orange curls

The perfect crostini

Buy a packet of mini pita breads (Viera’s bakery bakery makes the best). Preheat your oven on the fan setting to 180 degrees. Cut the pitas in half lengthways with a small sharp knife. Place on large baking tray so there’s plenty of space between them. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with Ina Paarman’s rosemary and olive seasoning. Bake until golden, then flip over to brown on both sides.  These are also marvellous served warm with homemade guacamole.

Roasted spiced almonds

Dry roast almonds in a pan and when evenly browned take off the heat and sprinkle with cayenne pepper, ground roasted cumin and turmeric. Then add coarse salt and treacle sugar. Quickly swirl the pan but do not stir, coating the almonds in the caramel. Tip onto a plate to cool.

Have a stress-free Christmas!